One of the common myths about sex is that it is considered “natural” or “automatic” like eating and sleeping. Reproductive sex appears to be biologically natural. But other functions of sex – pleasure, personal self-esteem and relationship intimacy are derived from learning psychological skills.
Think of any skill that brings satisfaction, especially physical activity such as dancing, skiing, swimming, climbing, hang gliding, parachuting, or even running. Marathon runners don’t just go out and do it. It takes discipline, concentration, psychological preparation, physical conditioning and learning pacing strategies. So if you want to be a “marathoner” during sex, you will need some mental and physical preparation – some kind of “training”. Yes, biological sex is basically natural – when the penis goes into the vagina – but to really enjoy emotionally intimate sex. It takes meditation, knowledge and practice. Yes, it is annoying to pay so much attention to something that you want just to “flow”. But if you have premature ejaculation, training is needed to manage excitement, this is a fact.
A skill, be it cognitive, emotional, behavioral or interpersonal, is the learned ability to perform tasks well and with some ease. Skills are developed through practice (repetition), perseverance (disciplined) and patience. Can you remember learning new skills as a child? For example, learning to ride a bike requires some degree of perseverance and self-regulation for fear of falling down. You had to try from time to time until it became “natural”. You probably tilted upward, now and then tore a knee. But did not give up. Similarly one has to learn sexual skills. Experimenting with patience is the key.
